Four years ago my best friend and I promised one another that we would not lose ourselves when we have kids.

Well, I’ve kept that promise and it turns out that makes me a bad mom. 

I got pregnant at 28 years old and truth be told, I had no idea what direction my life was going. I wasn’t happy with my career, recently married, started this blog with no clear direction whatsoever, and just really trying to figure out my life.

Then I got pregnant. 

So, on top of all of that your girl now had to figure out how to be a decent mother. Maybe that’s why I didn’t enjoy pregnancy to the fullest, so many unknowns in my life. 

Now at 31 despite all the difficulties and tragedies that have come with 2020, I finally feel like my plans are actually falling through. The goals I’ve set for myself are being reached and some of them were the major ones. Of course, I don’t have everything, but things are starting to come to fruition for me.

Mothers get judged for literally just about every choice they make. Whether it is going to work or choosing to stay at home. Choosing formula over breastmilk. Going out with your friends and networking instead of staying home every single day with your little one. Skipping a day or two of giving your child a bath. 

Y’all, this list is NEVER ending. 

As a mother, to the handsomest 23-month-old boy, I choose to try and find balance. There are some things that I do that I know people don’t agree with and honestly, I couldn’t really give two hoo-ha’s what anyone has to say about my parenting style nor how I present myself as a mother.

They don’t say it, but the side comments show that the things I do don’t make me a good mother in their eyes. I think there are some people out there that feel as though I spend too much time away from Ash. That can happen whenever I go to CrossFit, hang out with my friends, go to networking events, and even just go to work lol. 

Like whoa, my life doesn’t stop just because I have a child my guy!!!

I have news for any of you Debby downers out there … my life will not be put on hold. If I don’t take care of me and do things that I want to do, I will end up just making myself miserable, regretting not living life. 

Let’s see what 5 days out of the week look like for me really quick.

I get up pretty much every morning at 4:30, so that I can drop Ash off with my mom and make it to the 5:00 CrossFit class. After that class, I’m back home doing another 30 to 45-minute workout. Thankfully, I work from home, but at 7:45 AM it is time to get to work. And trust me there is a lot of work to be done while at home during my work hours. Of course, I am able to get some chores done here and there, but right when I get off the second job starts. And I love it, even though sometimes I just want to hide under the covers. 

Every day with Ashraf is not a piece of cake. Sometimes he’s fussy and he doesn’t want to sleep. Other times he’s the most well-behaved child and I just stare at him thanking God for his life. Ash is literally a happy baby, he is always laughing, playing, and smiling. If Mommy’s happy then Ash is happy. 

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And I myself already feel guilty because I mean I do only get those couple of hours after work to spend time with him and then we go to bed. Then comes the weekend.  I do find that during the weekends I can pack them up with hanging out with friends, social/networking events, and sometimes even doing things with my husband that don’t include Ash. 

I’m his mother and trust me, I feel that pang of mommy guilt almost on a daily. You don’t think there’s a voice telling me that I’m doing a crappy job? It’s literally the worse and being a mom is not an easy job. I love being a mother and I wouldn’t go back even if I could. It’s the best blessing and the way that boy has ignited a fire within me has changed me for the better. 

I really wish I could have him attached at my hip 24/7, but let’s face reality, that is not life. 

So no, I’m not a bad mom. I make mistakes. Sometimes I don’t spend enough time with my son.

If I truly were a bad mom, then I wouldn’t care. I wouldn’t be so indecisive about the choices that I’m making when it comes to raising Ash. I feel guilty for letting him watch Cars all day when I’m trying to get stuff done around the house. I feel guilty for buying him Raising Canes or cooking him noodles, because it’s the most convenient thing to do. 

Screw anyone’s opinion at this point, because my Papa is thriving at life!!

To all my mommas trying their best every day … YOU ARE AN AMAZING MOTHER. 

WE’RE FREAKING SUPERHEROES IN OUR KIDS EYES. 

REMEMBER THAT.

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Ciao,

 

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